Anarking

Hi Ate Us

Its been a while since my last (and according to Kyle “real”) post.

This is the anarking way.

I get bored pick up a new thing put down the guitar then come back when you least expect it, perhaps you are asleep dreaming of baby carrots being shoved up your nose. You awaken to god awful screaming and power chords and realize I never threw in the towel just acquired enough dirt to require copious amounts of shower gel and towels.

So I am back on this blogging kick, fucking up words with my ascii gat it’s like gang warfare in my finger tips and I ain’t got no love for trick as beeeeeotches. So sit back shut up and enjoy the prose cause I found Jesus and he’s running scared!

Fuck Yeah!!!!

Got up at the break of PM,
had an awesome breakfast with my beautiful wife ,
got a skateboard from a good pal in the mail,
tried it out,
got sweet battle wounds,
went to an awesome dog park,
skateboarded around my nieghborhood in the night screaming “mush” with my pups,
then went out on a date with said beautiful wife and saw a slick movie.

Today was a good day.

Tot lot totalitarianism

“Can you believe that?” was the indignant question that floated out of the gringo’s tubby face upward toward my deck after I just witnesses a rather large, rather angry black man who seconds earlier was going to bludgeon said gringo with a push and scoot kiddie wagon.

“Yeah you were in the wrong dude.”

“What???” not the question a man who was threatening calling the cops on an aggressor wanted to hear.

“He was here first” I notice the rather large black man walk into the then empty park to hash things out with his girlfriend. I think it was a break up and a rather ugly one at that because of all the, how could you do that to me, questions the man was hurling at his girl. You can tell when a man is hurt there is that tone of pain in his voice that he is desperately trying to hide so that his girl who he still cares about does not think of him as a pussy.

“WHAT! He was swearing in front of my child!” It’s true he was he was a hurt man just intruded upon by a witless khaki short wearing mutherfucker who decided this was the perfect park to have his kid play on the teeter totter. No matter that there was an obvious heated discussion going on and that a girl was begging her man to give her one more chance.

“Yeah so you should have gone to another park, there are plenty around on this street.” I point out.

“HE WAS SWEARING IN FRONT OF MY CHILD!!!” Like I didn’t hear him. Like this was a concept that makes his interloping excusable. I wasn’t there for that part of it but I pieced it together. Parent thinks that him having a kid gives him the right to claim the park as. His white skin gives hip the right to dismiss the affairs of a black couple as unimportant when juxtaposed to the idea of his aryan baby curse word free swing experience. I have friends with kids, I get it. Wanting to shield them from reality as long as they can. Wanting to give them the world while hiding all of the ugly parts away. I get it. The issue I have is that parents, especially most of the newer ones, tend to get so wrapped up in the world of their kids that they forget that almost everybody else who is childless doesn’t give a two farts about their parenting goals. Especially not if they are strangers and are going through some pretty painful shit at that moment. So what I surmise happened was the couple was going at it, the tubby self righteous dad wanted to earn that “worlds greatest dad” proclamation that adorns his office mug, and so he decides to give the couple a lesson on manners especially in front of children. Angry black man wanting to hurt something as much as he is hurting finds an outlet in the form of pasty whitey and I come out on my deck to see the commotion and maybe try to jump in for a rescue.

“Yeah white entitlement is a bitch, you should have just gone to another park but instead you kicked them out.” I bet he feels alright with himself though because hey he’s not racist he voted for Obama. Thing about segregated communities such as mine is that the cultivate subcutaneous racism like mold on wonderbread.

“YOU’RE CRAZY!” for not agreeing with him. For not giving a shit that some little white turd wrangler heard the word motherfucker. Or for actually caring enough to call it as I see it.

“Sure your kid learned that swears are bad but he also learned how to be an uppity cracker, congrats!” Honestly though that kid won’t remember a thing. He’ll grow up jerk off to the internet, learn the word motherfucker, raise white babies of his own and vote liberal all while tsk-tsking rappers and kids who dress like them.

In the end all that mattered was that nobody got bludgeon or arrested or had to jump in to help out some stupid white yuppie whose tunnel vision got him an ass whoopin.

Dreamon

Wisdom of the Nigerian

A few nights back I found my car resting on cinder blocks with all of the wheels taken off and 3 cops standing around it like sticks stuck in shit, if these sticks were holding flashlights and asking retarded questions. This is the second time somebody vandalized my car in this pleasant semi-urban town where mothers leave their kids toys in the local tot lots (little kid parks) and people who don’t know your ass greet you while you are on your way to work in the morning. The community is great here the issue is that these cops like pretty much all cops, suck at their job which basically only has two purposes, one being to serve and the other to protect. I assume protect also applies to property. Lately it seem cops will bust you for smoking weed at your house but catching criminals who steals tires in the middle of the night is outside of their ability. Seems to me serve and protect has mutated to dominate and harass.

I have been a victim of crime in this quite town more in my 3 years of living here than in my 8 years of living in New York City. But I take it in stride I try to recall the wisdom of the Nigerian whenever life lands a kick square in my balls.

Let’s jump back a few months to when I was working at the local high school as their web master. I worked there for almost 5 years of which 3.5 were fantastic and then my competent boss left and was replaces with a Gimli looking cunt bag who rim jobbed her way to the top. No one in her department respected her because she was the type of person that would function better with a tire iron permanently lodged into the back of her skull. She became head of IT without typing a single line of code in her life, hell I bet she would hemorrhage if she ever had to install windows on her tablet PC which she insisted in having for some reason.

Here are some quotes that are prime examples of her techno-anemia:

Idiot Boss: “Correct me if I’m wrong but we got a new server with 2 triggabytes of memory!”
Disgruntled Employee: “2 Terabytes.”
Idiot Boss: “Oh how much is a triggabyte.”
Disgruntled Employee: “Depends how hungry the trigga is.”

Idiot Boss: “What is the difference between a blog and a forum?”
Disgruntled Employee: “Well Paula, a blog typically has a singular author and the user comments focus around a particular topic that this author chooses to post. While a forum can have numerous admins and authors who can add threads and users can respond to the threads or create their own.”
Idiot Boss: “Oh I see so a blog is just a fancier forum.”
Disgruntled Employee: *facepalm

Idiot Boss: *pointing to a CD drive “Do all of the computers in the labs have internal hard drives?”
Disgruntled Employee: *facepalm

Idiot Boss: “Why is RSS better than HTML?”
Disgruntled Employee: “Kind of the same way a potato is better than a 747 jet.”

As you can see many people were unhappy. Many people moved on. those that disagreed with her or openly poked fun at her were forced out one way or another. I was one of those people, she was trying to pin remediation on me and I was getting depressed about it. I was quite unhappy until I spoke with a Nigerian Hardware Support Tech I had previously dismissed as clueless because of his constantly cheery ways. It seemed to me like shit was hitting the fan and he acted like it was raining Hershey kisses. It pissed me off, I wanted him to be miserable like me, with me. We were working for the same Napoleon complexed dolt yet he was fine with it, genuinely fine with it.

One particular day. When shit got really serious I cracked a tad and had to ask him why the fuck he was so happy. So I did and to this day I will remember his words and recant this story to all that will listen as the Wisdom of the Nigerian.

Disgruntled Employee: “You’re always smiling, you’re always happy, nothing ever bothers you, why is that, what is your secret?”
Wise Nigerian: “Ha ha my friend I will tell you. You see i come to America from a small village in Nigeria. We have no computer, we have no water close by. Life is hard but people were always happy. But I will tell you there are many guns there, and there are many bad people out there, and these people do many bad things, and when you see this bad things, really bad things, when you see them happen but you wake up the next day still ok you are happy everyday that you don’t see these bad men do this bad things.”

It hit me. I had my limbs, I never saw my village pillaged and girls I grew up with raped at gun point by some assholes who think an AK-47 gives them the right to dehumanize their fellow man. I never saw the shit get serious. I always assumed my current state was awful but this cheery dark skinned man has seen more awful serious shit then most people ever will. At that point I felt dumb yet enlightened to the reason for letting shit slide and the secret to being happy.

“You still got your limbs, motherfucker” I think to myself when I get depressed, “You never had to witness your village burn or your loved ones getting raped with a high powered automatic rifle, so suck it up and deal.”

Shortly after that I applied for a new job, got it and never let my self get down, even if some motherfuckers out there think it’s 1984 Harlem again.

One Eyed Bird

Enter the Puppy

When Jet died he created a huge vacuum in my heart. I have been thinking a lot about dog packs and their social structure. I came to the realization that two dogs actually act like dogs should while one dog acts in a way that he reckons will get the large pink monkeys to drop him some treats.

I realized that form a dogs point of view it must be pretty tough living with humans. Always looking up to them constantly trying to please them enough so that they take you for an extra long walk, drop something yummy on the floor or just get down to your level and play a little tug. I mean dogs don’t even get to lick themselves without being scolded. When Jet and Caesar got together they were a team constantly testing each others boundaries playing and pouncing on each other locked in some eternal battle that in there puppy minds was essential.

With Jet in the great dog park in the sky, Caesar seems different. I can’t explain it he just doesn’t have that same wag in his tail I guess. He lost a friend someone he could commiserate with about the hatred for squirrels and the ridiculousness in not only being bathed by the hairless apes but also being lathered up with foul smelling gels in the process. I saw the same change in my grandma after her commie next door neighbor and fellow old lady friend died. Sure she would argue with her and call her a Ruski spy but what really mattered was their bond over Spanish Soap Operas and their grand kids.

So last Saturday the wife and I took Caes to see a some puppies. I wasn’t expecting much, the last rescue place we went to had a crazy dog lady trying to push a rather unfriendly dog at us who lurched at Caes a few times. “See how well they get along?” the old dog pusher would chime in each time I had to get between Caes and Kujo Cerberus dela Morte as I renamed him. This place had a different vibe to it. The guy was a bit more laid back he wasn’t trying to unload fur and bones on us he was actually feeling us out. Trying to see if we would be suitable owners and giving us tip on puppy proofing the house. We met two female pups one quite and calm the other a tweeked out shit eating yipe monster. We fell in love with the quiet one pretty much instantly, ok she ate shit too but we forgave her. She and Caesar got along pretty much from first sniff of each others buttholes and a decision was made. Today I signed the papers and I hope to be showing her around the hood this weekend.

We don’t have a decision on a name yet but we have a few to choose form. Perhaps you oh gentle reader can help us out in this. She is German Shepherd and Terrier (prolly fox terrier but who know really) mix. We are entertaining a few names and need help deciding. Keep in mind that names will usually be shortened to 1 syllable unless scolded then we tend to use the full name as in “No Caesar stop licking cocks!” Please use the form below to pick a name for our new puppy.

Basically Laura gets to make the final approval which stems from a tragic paper, rock, scissors loss on my part. She names the pets I name the kids is the result. But your vote and my insentient pleading may help tip the scales.

Поздравляю с Днем Рождения Pi!

Hamster in a Vent

Drawing suggestins so far…

barbie
your emotions
birds eye view of chicagoevanston - rejected cause I ain’t google maps
your father - nah
self portrait
life - rejected too broad of a topic
miley cyrus - rejected because i hate caricatures and i hate her.
a robotic nurse
a samuri
A hamster in a vent
Best Fart Ever
Copyright Infringement
Sexy Math
Nazi Sadly Eating a Bagel - rejected cause i hate nazis but i see what you did there and awknowledge the joke
A Coathanger