Anarking

Panama Recap Video

I couldn’t help it I had this song running through my head the entire time I was there. Many of you will ask why I video taped a teenage girl taking money from an old man. Panama can be a dirty city and that is definitely a dirty old man. She’s his girlfriend and 16 and he’s in his late 40’s and an Swedish ex-patriot and he owns half of the restaurants on Contadora, Panama.

Sorry for the shotty vid quality but you tube has upload limitations if you want the better version you need to come to my house.

Hotwire

I love when crap bands get flushed away it’s quite a cleansing feeling and the world gets just a little shinier. I saw this band around 2003 and thought holy fuck why would you name yourself Hotwire, like that won’t be taken by ten thousand other thing, might as well call your band the Tigers or Coldcuts.

Here’s what I thought of them back then:

This pretty unoriginal rap-rock band from L.A. sounds like Rage Against the Machine with a bad case of laryngitis. Unlike Rage, the mediocre songs carry little more of a message than “teen angst is cool.” These four chaps produce music that sounds too lame to be rap and too repetitive to catch my interest. True, the lead singer can scream, but so could the guy in Carcass, and do you know where he is now? Probably pumping gas for a Citgo in Wyoming. The screechy Korn guitars try to emphasize just how unoriginal this band is, but even that is overpowered by the lame-osity of Hotwire.

Now I don’t I am not referring to Hotwire.com: Discount flights and cheap airfare nor Hotwire Blues, Rock, And Country Delivered With Heart & Soul (which I’m sure is also fan-fucken-horrible), nor do I mean to tarnish the musical prowess of this Hotwire: with these douchecabibbles:

Here’s the band’s website: good luck and god speed with it.

I partied with - The Strokes

So my life has calmed down quite a bit since my New York days and as I lay in my bed about to welcome Saturday with open arms my thoughts drift to those dirty Delancy nights when I was working as an LD in a medium sized venue that featured bands on their way up (Death Cab for Cutie, Interpol ,the Strokes) and bands on there way down (Soul Asylum, Midnight Oil, the Spin Doctors, the Strokes). So I’m thinking back and I realize, holy balls, I’ve partied with some pretty well known people as a result of wasting my 20’s in the City. And so I present you the first in my name dropping series entitled “I partied with - “.

The Strokes

So I was at my friends house for some roof top party, I was already halfway plastered since on the way there I picked up a 40 oz. of old E. I had a thing for fourties back then, they were cheap and got you prepped for a party pretty well also there was some sort of statement made when you roll up to a party for the urban hip acting all gutter punk, it’s kind of a reminder to the hipster bourgeois that there were still some of use anarchist proletariat around event though that was so not in. I wasn’t really into making any sort of statements that night I just wanted to get sloppy and sloppy I did get even before I started the 5 story walk up climb but it was cool since my friend was well aware that I would be wasted sooner or later and I was a dirty punker and so no party faux pas was committed. I get there and people are doing lines of coke like it was Scarface auditions. I never touched that Michael J. Foxx yuppie wanna be shit and probably never will but I love watching those fuckers do it and their pupils going all crazy and them getting all Speedy Gonzales on each other.

Anyways here I am melting into a stinky couch trying not to worry too much about the room spinning and the floor being slanted when some long haired hippie looking jackass wearing uber tight white jeans and bear chested except for a vest some banker would only wear comes crashing out of the bathroom and starts screaming about his coke being gone. The stupid dildo left it on the toilet and a dog got a hold of it.

Dogs eat anything.

This was an Australian shepherd who lived in an apartment too small for a chihuahua and was already suffering from cabin fever, except now he was suffering from cabin fever, the excitement of tons of people being around him and about a small sandwich baggie worth of coke coursing through his veins. It was as if someone threw a super bouncy ball into a rubber room then told the dog to fetch. The dog was running all over the place only stopping to puke on some poor bastard or a one of those chicks who never got the memo about the 80’s sucking ass. I was laughing so hard that a pee’d myself a tad.

The next day I asked my friend if the dog was still alive and sure enough that resilient cock sucker was just peachy. Then I asked him who were those hippie looking bear chested assholes taking up all the good chairs, talking about their band and feeding dogs cocaine. He told me and I wasn’t impressed until a few months later when all of New York hailed them as saviors of rock. I guess they were but more then that they are funny fuckers when high on coke.

The Datsuns

Harder than your 13 year old cousin at next to the lesbian float at the gay pride parade! Rock like this can only come out of New Zealand. Ah, New Zealand, where the dingoes steal your babies and the koalas take your boyhood and make you a bitter old man. An enchanted land of Hobbits and man/sheep offspring. Anyways, I got really into this band. The songs were going at a breakneck pace and the amps were going into the red. All this chaos was masterfully crafted and controlled to bring out one hell of a show.

With a song like “Motherfucker from Hell” it’s next to impossible to be a shitty band. I recommend checking this band out but then again, I also recommend not brushing your teeth, so what the fuck do I know. Go fuck yourself.

Top 10 Rock Videos Featuring Zombies (That Aren’t Thriller)

Michael Jackson may have had that cheesy-ass thriller video but that’s for the weak, so I present my Top 10 Rock Videos Featuring Zombies (That Aren’t Thriller). I feel like a VJ for the undead.

Before that thake this, a gift to get this countdown rolling I present the Bollywood version of Thriller

10. My Chemical Romance - Helana

Okay so it most likely is less of a zombie portrayal and more of a ghostly one but who am I to decide, only the effeminate lead singer can tell us and he’s not here right now, he’s probably teasing his hair or applying some eye shadow or something. I like the song and she could be a zombie so I threw this vid into the countdown stew plus it rounded it off nicely to a 10.

9. Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl

Again I raise the question is she a zombie or some sort of a Franken-trollop. We need to go to a none present source and that won’t happen. I will assume zombie but will accept your arguments for vampire, ghoul and apparition then proceed to ignore them.

8. Zombie Bazooka Patrol - Zombie Shake

Oh you. It’s good, no really, keep trying kids, you’ll get better one day you’ll move out of your parents basement and create a really kick ass video. Better have zombies in it, I’m investing a lot of street cred. into you.

7. Gob - I Hear You Calling

Well done Gobbers very zombie filled, it’s too bad you sound like Blink 182’s prison bitches though. Points off for faux punk rock.

6. The Horrors - She Is The New Thing

Ok, so you don’t get the whole zombie payoff until the end, but hey little fella don’t look so glum, the music is good and it’s quite artistic. So shut your gapping cockhole and look at the pretty colors.

5. Wednesday 13 - I Walked With A Zombie

Well, well, well, what a clever bunch of monkeys. Looks like some band found out that Night of the Living Dead was never copyrighted and has used it in their very own rock video. Well done lads, well done indeed. I can’t fault a band with lyrics as clever as, “I’m damned if I voodoo and I’m damned if I don’t”. Or can I?

4. White Zombie - I’m Your Boogie man

Surprisingly there is little zombie content out there for a band with zombie in their goddamn name. Rob Zombie is it the guy that makes all those fun slashers flicks, the man who dresses up like something the Crypt Keeper would rape. Why so little zombie love in your videos? For shame good sir, for shame!

3. Phantom Planet - Big Brat

Go here to watch it since the greedy motard won’t let me embed it and I can’t be bothered to look for it elsewhere or violate some sort of copyright, reappropriate it and place it on this site.

2. ANJ - Gorbachov

I know, I know I’ve used this before in a previous post but I can’t help it if these guys rock my argyle socks can I? So stop yelling at me and just enjoy the zombieness.

1. The Misfits - Scream

This is how you make a video folks. This is how you also make a zombie flick. This is how the Misfits make such wonderful contributions to this ungrateful world.

Super Happy Bonus Time

Here’s some youtube fan vids that made me giggle.

The Cranberries - Zombie

As my much smarter than I girl keeps telling me, this song is not really about zombies but pissed of protestants and uppity catholics who got tired of eating haggis and started blowing the shit out of each other (is it the Irish or the Scottish that eat haggis one of those clover wearing Scrooge McDuck motherfuckers eats it). I tend to disagree and here is the video to prove it. “Eyh eyh eyh eyh oah oah oah oah”, I mean who sings like that if not a zombie size queen.

Marylin Manson - Minute Of Decay

Manson and zombies make sense to me but apparently never did to the emaciated one. So this is not an official video but damn good one and should have been official.

Les Sans Culottes

Remember Shaggy, Scooby-Doo and the rest of those who rode in the Mystery Machine? Ok, now try to remember those cheesy go-go songs that played while the gang was running after or away from the monsters. Well, just picture yourself watching this in France and those songs are replace with the same versions but in French and you have the sound Les Sans Coulettes put forth. Two girls and one guy who fakes a French accent pretty well make up the Maginot Line of vocals (mostly sung in French). The vocalists, one of whom was a really hot Japanese girl is now replace with some other chick not as hot but still easy on the old yeux, are accompanied by guitar, tambourine (what go-go rock band would be complete without one), a high-pitched bass, a guy that looks nothing like Raiden from Mortal Kombat with on keyboards, and a drummer. The sparse crowd (200 or so) didn’t really get into the L.S.C until they did a cover of Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made For Walking” in French. I really couldn’t get into them. Maybe it’s because I failed French in both high school and college, or maybe it’s just that I find go-go music silly, no matter how well you play “Wipeout.” ‚a va mal. It’s not that I don’t aime Les Sans Coulettes it’s just not my bag of freedom fries, too much “hon hon” “Oui oui” and “Sacre Bleu” for me.

Brand New Immortals

This band is pretty lame. It’s your average alternative rock band with little to prove and even less to say. A standard 4-guy rock band that will inevitably one day end up like Hootie and the Blowfish or Matchbox 20 if they’re really, really lucky. There’s nothing new about the Brand New Immortals and Atlanta has never been so humiliated. Even though the rhythm guitarist sports a pretty punk rock mohawk and even a Billy Idol-like snare that’s where the punk rock stops and the common denominator music begins. I pray that they are very mortal and will die one day.

Note: So I wrote this about 4 years ago and as it turns out the Immortals were in fact not. They stained the world with a 6 track E.P. the faded into oblivion like one of those hypercolor shirts but leaving less of an impact than the hyper color shirts did. They blamed their record label for lack of listeners but I tend to think they needed to look inwards. So where are they now?

The guy who formed this unsavory concocktion pursued his music career and formed the Brand Name Importables with John “I love monkey balls” Mayer, and Steve “Buy My iCrap” Jobs.

The bassist is now in Train, a band that makes middle age Italian woman weak in the knees and me weak in the bowels. That shitty band with that shitty song about “drops of Jupiter” which I swear is a veiled reference to the lead singer witnessing his mother get her face spooged on by some dude named Jupiter. If that wasn’t proof enough that a career in the music biz isn’t as rewarding as many a tragically dressed teenager would have you believe, this douche is also a temp. in the reality T.V. band Rock Star Supernova, a temp for christ sakes.

As for the other two, one dude (mohawk guy) was a temp and is never again mentioned as for the drummer he’s probably some drum tech for some band he wishes he could drum for but will never be allowed to since his little brand new immortal fiasco.

The Whirlwind Heat

Watching this band perform is like watching this band go through puberty together.

It’s awkward and ugly.

If by Whirlwind Heat they mean anal vapors and by being a band they mean making horrible noise alone with stupid shouting like the song whose lyrics consist only of “1,2,3″ then they are a band worthy of the name. What the fuck, this ain’t Sesame Street and you ain’t the Count. First off, they have no guitar except for one song and then you realize why they have no guitar. And don’t get me wrong, you don’t need a guitar to have a successful band, but you do need something to fill that void. And their Moog and drum sample only makes the void more noticeable. You know what else pisses me off about this band? It totally fucks my rule of 3 people in a band equal good music theory. If I may I’d like to use a quaint simile to paint a more colorful portrait of this band. Here goes, as a whole, this band is like shit and its members are like the corn kernels embedded within it. Definitely not Iggy and the Stooges as the singer would have you believe.

Note: I wrote this review about 4 years ago and this band is still in existence as a band and not as managers at some guitar store so perhaps they have matured and stopped being such crap. I will make a note of seeing them again when they tour around here and may very well recant and ask for forgiveness from the gods of all things metal.

If you want to check them out, here:www.whirlwindheat.com.

Top 10 Eastern Bloc Music Videos

I grew up in Eastern Europe and have, on occasion, been forced into a discotheque or five by my cousins. The music in such establishments, is inhumane but the videos are god like. I would like to share these with you so you too can understand why we Eastern Europeans like to beat the fuck out of each other and drink mass quantities of vodka.

Tenth

Big Cyc (Translates to: Big Tit) is from my fatherland of Poland. They are kind of like NoFX but Polish. Think of this little ditty as a Polish public safety announcement about why one should adorn the sexticals with protection. I especially found artistic value in the animated condoms. Not sure why they are performing a concert in a pool but alas it’s Poland so it makes sense.

Nineth

Parazitii (Romanian for “Parasites”) are pretty much the only redeeming musical offering from the land of Dracula and 6 year old nicotine addicts. And so they are hated by mainstream Romanians who would rather dance to songs by artists that take entry level ESL classes solely so that they can write songs rhyming “punani” with “money”.

That was “Fuck You Romania” and for some reason I feel like blasting this every time I land in Bucharest. My gift to you; a bonus video to demonstrate surprising English rapping skills.

Eighth

Oh, O-Zone what have you done? Before you no one knew the horrors Romania kept hidden in it’s discotheques and now you opened the casket to reveal the doody vampire that would afflict the internets to the tune of Numa Numa.

Internet denizens scrabbled to find the lyrics to this song but this is best they could come up with…

Then O-Zone took it one step further, they went global, kind of like the bird flu but nastier and so they vomited out this English version with the hopes of offering a translation to their prose. That helped as much as a wet paper bag in a marble carrying contest.

Seventh

They call him Crazy Loop, and by they he means himself and his cabana boy Miguel only. Dan Balan was one third (or one turd) of the abomination that is currently being tried for crimes against humanity. I am speaking of Romania’s O-Zone of course. This video is strangely arousing and arousingly strange all while making me feel like a bad man who hangs around elementary school playgrounds a bit too much.

Sixth

The awkwardly named Liroy is a Polish rapper with little hair on his noggin and an obvious love for pigs. I can’t really make heads or tails of this video but there is a great scene of him demonstrating, with his fingers, how penetration works to a piglet.

Fifth

Ah, Gogol Bordello. How can a band so Eastern European be so hipsterrific? Easy they live in my old stomping ground in New York City. Not everyone in this little outfit can take proclaim their affinity for cabbage and vodka but the lead singer was born in the Ukraine and some of the others are from Russia so it’s good enough for this list.

Fourth

Zladko “Zlad!” Vladcik from the fictional Eastern European country of Molvania. Ok so it’s all a big Australian joke, hardy har har. Lest you Koala fuckers forget that your country’s entire white population derived from the British that were so annoying that not even the British wanted them around and so shipped your greatgrandpappies of as far away as possible. Oh and nice one, aboriginal genocide and all that.

Thirdski

Valentina Hasan from the village of Zvezdelina in the mighty oligarchy of Bulgaria. This is a snippit from the cornucopia of talent Bulgarian Idol has to offer.

Numerski 2

ANJ is a Russian Metal band that loves spotty headed Mikael Gorbachov so much they made this epic of a video.

Numero Primierski

Speak is Hungarian and calls himself a rapper but I would tend to argue that he is more of a talker behind cheap hip hop beats. “Yee Cmon” But he has a message for terrorists and people who “wanna war”. “Bisnis” We should not let his thick as a dooky milkshake accent get in the way of his genius. “Wonsagin”

I am so enamored by this mans skills I have to show you his video for “Hold On” where he “raps” about hearing angels, ugly as sin Eastern European angels that must hate anyone with functional eardrums. Watch until the end when it looks like he will almost rap but then gives up in disgust with himself. “C’monyee”

Bonus

While not officially from the Eastern European Bloc, these zany bastards known as the Blood Hound Gang have catapulted to godlike stature in discotheques with their song “Un Tiss Un Tiss Un Tiss”. Even my toothless uncle can sing the chorus.